I, like many of you, am struggling with the state of the world, especially what is going on in our country right now. I found myself thinking today at work that therapy school did not prepare us well enough for moments like this. Not when it’s not depression or anxiety or defense mechanisms that are causing fear and distress, but the actions of our government.
There wasn’t a class for this.
As I sat at work today, I kept thinking about what my role is as a therapist, and more specifically, as a sex therapist, when the world is unsafe. I should note that I don’t believe therapists need to be “neutral” when things are happening in our country that are actively harming marginalized people.
There’s a book I often turn to in moments like this: Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown. Sometimes I fear that focusing on sex can feel frivolous when American citizens are being gunned down in the streets by their government for exercising their rights.
And yet.
The first quote I want to share is this:
“Your no makes the way for your yes. Boundaries create the container within which your yes is authentic. Being able to say no makes yes a choice.”
Even in moments when things feel scary and uncertain, being able to think about what does feel pleasurable and good, and making a commitment to choose those things, matters. Choosing to be around people who make us feel good. Choosing to connect with the people we want to connect with.
Every time we offer an authentic yes: yes to pleasure, yes to sex, yes to masturbation or self-exploration, we are teaching ourselves that our boundaries matter, and that our yeses are just as important as our noes.
The next quote:
“I touch my own skin, and it tells me that before there was any harm, there was a miracle.”
I love this quote because it reminds us that grounding in the present moment matters. Knowing that in this very moment we are safe, even if we cannot know whether we will be safe in the next moment, is important. Because the truth is, none of us actually know what will happen in any moment other than the one we are in right now.
It can be an act of radical self-love to allow ourselves to feel that safety in the moment. To give ourselves pleasure. To enjoy what is still good in the world using all five senses. To not let the disasters around us rob us of our pleasure…which is our birthright.
That, too, is radical.
The next quote:
“Our radical imagination is a tool for decolonization, for reclaiming our right to shape our lived reality.”
This one stops me every time. When I catch myself thinking, Who am I to be worried about sex right now? Who am I to be thinking about sexual expression? This quote answers that question.
The powers that be, the government, the systems that seek to repress and oppress us, they do not want us living in pleasure. They do not want us connected to our joy. They do not want life to be about free sexual expression.
So when we abandon pleasure, connection, and sex, we are letting them win.
Even when the world feels like it’s burning down around us, exploring the ways we can still find joy, still find connection, still find pleasure is incredibly powerful. Because that joy, that bliss, that pleasure, that connection…that is what we are fighting for.
The freedom to be who we are.
To love who we love.
To have sex the way we want to.
To live in full expression of ourselves.
So if you ever feel like it’s frivolous to think about your pleasure or your sex life, remember this:
It’s not frivolous.
It’s an act of dissent.
